Cleaning up my email account, I found this. Thanks to Danny for this Transcript.
Photos are here
Born Sleepy Productions presents the logbook to:
THE LAST URE TOPSHAM 10 PUBCRAWL IN THE WORLD…EVER!
Mark Seddon, 27 January 2001
Edited: Danny Lawrence, 28 January 2001
6.30 Many, many people turn up at St James station. Russ looks like
Buller off 11 O’Clock Show with bleach blonde hair. Illuminates station.
Harry provides stunningly illustrated map of Topsham. Danny tells us
about his quiz. Rupert asks if sitting down and drinking as much as we can
would be better.
Ash (corporate whore) buys a Guinness.
Nick teaches us international sign of excited mouse.
Tuesday, Rupert has to go to dentist (2.30)
Real Ale debate – James’ name for new one “Arab’s wink”
Steam Packet, 7.30
Nick: “Phill’s round”
Mark: “He is, but it’s a bit cruel to keep on pointing it out.”
Becca complains about being called the station slut.
Harry: “Yeah, Matt’s the station slut, the same way Rupert’s the
Landlady draws curtains despite Nick’s kind offer to do it himself.
Alex wants to get Ray the Topsham website guy.
James: “I would, but I think he hates us.”
Nick confidently inserts that someone will eat flowers at 8pm. Mark
bets him a pie they won’t.
Lighter Inn, 8pm
The pie virtually in Nick’s hands as Matt examines flowers but no
Rupert: “Hey! Every gulp is difficult!”
Phill tries to snog Nick.
James claims to have a website: www.ampland.com
Danny asks me to minute his thanks for taking minutes.
Alex’s shirt is a point of some contention.
James: “Danny, is your hair too short, or your head too big?”
Danny insults Mark’s website. Mark notes that he can insult me when he
fucking gets a life of his own.
Danny: “Russ, your hair’s crap.”
James: “But I like your alice band”
Alex challenges Matt to a flower eating contest, but flowers stolen by
barmaid from Mark.
Matt soils flower upon ground.
“Bring it on” – Matt – such a Mattism, another one “Top notch”.
The Globe, 8.45pm
Russ was sitting behind Danny and Harry goes “Danny there’s a mosquito
behind you.” (That’s it, by Oli).
Jamie notes that getting a show with Louise was a good idea, to get a
Oli knows too much about Mayfair. Complains about too many articles –
Club International is better.
8.50: Rupert takes photo of his cock [Ed – thank Christ it didn’t come
out] Danny Keo [sic.] Betting Shop story, locals: “I’ll put me baby on the
8.15 at Uttoxeter”
Earlier mosquito quote corrected: Russ wearing sunglasses, Olivia:
“Russ, you look like a twat, take them off.”
Chris Homewood pulls Marie-Anne [sic.]– Marie-Anne [sic.] goes down. –
Louise gets talk from Harry about men – this involves a 10 min
Send URL of website to Katie Morris. email@example.com
Matt Loucks: “I’m not posing for any naked calendar, I’m a very private
Chris Homewood: “I’ll pose but you’ll need two vinals. [sic.]
[Ed – it looks like events have moved to the Salutation Inn]
William Maxwell: “a brown ‘atter”, says local old man. [Ed – Bill
Maxwell, Salutation landlord, earlier spotted with fellow old Scots in Lighter
Realise Vishal went 4 wwtbam - (Who wants to be a millionnaire?) –
would only give him 2-5am slot so said no – James comments.
Alex Gener is getting Chris Homewood drunk by buying him another drink.
Things are not boding well.
9.30. Harris Master Plan: become Denis Norden.
Hilarious Jane Middlemiss spartacus pastiche.
Saved by the Bell better than Next Generation.
Olivia and Gronia [sic.] chat up the locals. I disposed of my extra
drink in Becca and the ladies’ toilet!!
Danny told to stop playing piano. [Ed – and very rudely too, a
letter of complaint has been sent].
Olivia and Grainne promise sexual favours to Harry in exchange for
their victory in the quiz thing. Nick is disgusted yet strangely aroused.
[Written on back of a quiz clue card]: We the undersigned agree to
separately service Mr T C Harris on a regular basis or until he comes
whichever may come first. Signed O J Vindon and G A Staunton.
Email Kate re clothes.
Kate undoes Rupert’s belt.
Rupert: “Kate is the dirtiest slapper I have ever met in my life.”
PS. Celtic Wok [Ed – the nearest interpretation of handwriting
Danny insists on everyone having a quiff before he tells the clue.
Steph says Marie Anne [sic] is the 1st to be sick.
... journal ends.
Other notes from back of journal:
Stories that Gary will tell.
1. On Topshop roof
2. Outside broadcast story – toilet / Blackie, three legged pub crawl.
3. 1st to swear on FM
4. sitting on Matt’s head. (Matt?)
5. thrash metal ball – James.
Times of things we know will happen.
1. Matt / someone else eats flowers
2. 1st person to be sick
3. Matt pulls a laydee
4. James Mc tries to throw someone off the bay / over a bridge
5. A cone is accumulated
6. someone falls over drunkenly and / or lies on the floor
7. James punches Becca Guildcrist.
Results from the Quiz
On our quest to get pissed
at the start of the list
we come to the Bridge
to make sure it’s not missed.
We have a small drink cos we cannot resist,
On the banks of the river
Which is not called the Exe. (DCL)
What is the name of the river?
Answer: Clyst. 8 replies, all correct.
The Steam Packet:
There was a sea captain called Buttell,
And around his good ship he would scuttle,
He stopped at the Packet
And left his life jacket,
But what was the name of his shuttle? (DCL, TCH)
Answer: King George, 8 replies, all correct.
Beware of the china, don’t act like a bull,
For with porcelain the Topdeck is full,
At the 96 Wreck-Sail you’d do well to pull,
So instead, find the number of bails of old wool. (TCH)
Answer: 56, 8 replies, 4 correct.
Note: Comic stupidity of the night, after wandering round for a good 10
minutes, Danny Keough found the correct poster and still got the answer
The Globe Hotel:
When out in the country there’s nothing quite like
A tour on your cycle, a jaunt on your bike,
The cycle club which stops here is called CTC
Their crest is magnificent, where could it be? (TCH, DCL, LGB)
Answer: on the wall above the front door, 8 replies, all correct.
Note: The Girls team (Grainne, Olivia, Marianne) have their point
disqualified for being caught in the blatant act of telling another
answer. See the minutes for their emergency reaction.
Second note: thanks to the Globe manageress for helping us with this
The Salutation Inn:
A coach-house it was but now it is not,
A restaurant and piano we know it has got,
The cheery old landlord was born as a Scot,
His first name is Bill and his surname is what? (TCH)
Answer: Maxwell, 8 replies, 7 correct.
Note: Bill Maxwell is officially the nicest bloke in Topsham (none of
Ray-from-last-time business). He was not present in his pub, but he and
barmaid both agreed to comply with our request not to tell people the
answer. The barmaid’s decision to just say “I don’t know what you’re
about” revealed her to be the stupid, ignorant cow we had suspected.
Not hot nor cold (as you may expect)
From various flavours you can select,
With 16 of them, don’t be defeated,
Some of them might just be repeated. (LGB)
What are they?
Answer: lids of wine barrels (stuck on the walls), 7 replies, 4
Alex Gener’s team drop out by default, due to not even being present.
The Passage Inn:
On the day of the crash on Titanic,
The events were quite plausibly manic,
The richest man there
Was seen to despair
And, much like the rest of them, panic.
His name can be found, not his face,
Above that of one Margaret Bays,
You’ll find the reply
In the Passage, oh my,
That sounds an uncomfortable place! (joke: TCH, poem: DCL)
Answer: Bruce Ismay, 4 replies, 3 correct, Rupert & Dave drop out.
The Exeter Inn:
Whose are the poos
That are left in the loos
Where our clues prevent yous
From getting the blues?
In your ones or your twos
You can, if you choose,
Play a game you could lose
But with how many cues? (TCH)
Answer: 16, 3 replies, 1 correct (only Team McPaveydale, Newsteam and
& Dave left, even though the latter withdrew in the Passage, according
Harris’ notes. I did the gag.
Second note: In the planning (on Thursday) Harry only counted 8 cues,
Phill found 16, including one under the table and another in the corner
There’s just time for one drink, we must have some speed
We must catch the train, it’s a rather large need!
There is not time to give all the wines here a try,
But if we bought one of each how many bottles would we buy? (DCL)
Answer: 27, 1 reply, correct.
Note: Phill doesn’t even ask barman, he counts wines on menu and
The 10th clue, the tie-breaker was not needed, but here it is for the
To gain some more points, and maybe just win,
Complete this verse, which I’ve thought to begin,
I think Xpression’s a wonderful name…
The results, in reverse order:
Last 4 / 5 Alex Gener’s team (Alex, Phil Mayling and friends)
7th 4 / 6 The Girls (Grainne, Olivia, Marianne)
6th 4 / 8 Newsteam (Tim, Ashley, Steph, Louise)
5th 5 / 6 Matt, Jon, James and Kate
4th 5 / 7 Keough and Oli
3rd 6 / 7 Russ, Chris, Becca and Jon (Treliving, of Exepose fame)
2nd 6 / 8 Rupert and Dave, perhaps joined by James Beattie.
1st 9 / 9 Phill Pavey (although technically all of Team McPaveydale –
Nick, Phill, James and Mark). The prize, four cans of Fosters.