Hello there. My name is Tom and I have been an alcoholic for nine years.

Today, I will be regailing you with my friend Kinky Will's idea for a movie. It's good.

"I have come up with a concept for a film about a mass murderer called 'Severn' where the guy goes around killing people in the style of British rivers. So there's the Ouse where he hangs the guy on a spike and lets him bleed, the Lea where he kills the guy from Steps, the Trent where he releases terrible songs till everyone kills themselves, the Clyde where he kills an Orangutang, the...uh...Great Ouse where he hangs him on a really high spike and...er...so on and so forth."
© Kinky Will 2002

Marvellous.