Hey there, Tom D here. I've been in Birmingham recently acting in a play. While I was there I was lucky (?) enough to meet up with an ex of mine. Here is an excerpt from an email that I wrote to describe the event to a friend, and now... TO THE WHOLE WORLD! Ahahahaha! Ha ha! Oh.

"I also met up with my other friend Fiona [names changed for anonymity's sake], who I kinda got together with in the first year of university, only for her to tell me that she really loved her boyfriend and had to go back to him. Bah. Anyway, I met her initially at Christian camp, so I was a bit surprised when she started talking to me about her brisk trade in cooking hash cakes. She then showed me pictures of her new boyfriend. (Yes, the one she threw me over for did something unspeakably bad and they broke up.) Her new boyfriend in the pictures looks supergay, he is wearing a leopard fur hat cocked to a jaunty angle, he has a pierced eyebrow, and he is NAKED! NAKED! NAKED from the waist up. BUT NAKED NONETHELESS! And there's another photo of him. AND HE IS NAKED! (from the waist up) NAKED! And then she says "here's one of whateverthefuckhisnameis wearing my clothes". And he is now only PARTIALLY NAKED but the bit that is covered is in WOMEN'S ATTIRE! AND HE'S NAKED UNDERNEATH IT! NAAAKKEEEDDD! Sorry. Then, on the walls, there are four figures in paint. These relate to Fiona [name still changed] and her three female housemates. There are four sets of lips, perhaps printed in lipstick. There are four sets of hands. And there are four sets of two mysterious brown shapes about halfway down the body. I am looking at these, trying to decide what they are. Fiona joyfully points, "That's me!", and somehow I knew. And then it clicked. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh sweet Jesus, no. I am in a hell. Not THE hell, obviously, but maybe a suburb of hell. I feel cursed, having to drink tea and maintain polite conversation whilst all the while being mocked by brown paint prints of her breasts on the walls and the knowing glance of a gay naked man in a leopard fur hat saying "HAHAHAHAHA! You are an idiot! Two years ago, she liked you and now, I am wearing her hat. And I am NAKED! Have you ever been naked with her? No! But I am gay and I am wearing her clothes and underneath her clothes I am NAKED". It was a traumatic event."